pReTty fLoWeRs

My absolutely amazing two year old son sent me flowers at work today for mothers day... apparently he picked them out all by himself, signed the card AND payed for them... (he must have stolen the money from my purse). Sweet kid isn't he?

I have a pretty good idea who to thank... this makes up for stealing my Chapstick!

aNd sO iT bEgINs

The great summer 2008 weight loss project is on... I'm always inspired in the summer. last summer I dropped 20 pounds, I'm not sure where I got my focus from. I think I was upset that I was still carrying baby weight after two YEARS!!! Is it still baby weight at that point or the amount of yummy food I was shoveling in? I was on a mission though and I did not waver.... till the cold set in... I added ten pounds back to hibernate... to keep me warm during those long chilly nights.. (yeah that's it).

I'm trying to find that focus I had last year but it's not coming as easily...the pizza still calls with it's tempting scents and greasy cheese, torturing me. I fear I am content... *sigh* .... but alas I have a pool now, the time has come... bathing suits... water ... flip flops... shorts...skirts...strappy sandals...beach... tank tops... ahhhhhhh. I have to let go of my protective sweater that I cling to like a baby and it's blankie :(

My goal this year is 15 pounds... a little late starting but that means I have to push harder... I'll be dusting off the elliptical machine and removing the clothes hangers... uggg.. the thought is making me tired... I smell pizza.

sounds of the summer

I took for granted how quite it can be in a suburban home during the summer months... I use to leave my windows open and listen to the birds chirp while napping in the afternoon... the sounds at my apartment are going to take some time to get used to... the lady downstairs yelling at her kids, the air conditioning unit right outside me window that sounds like a jet plane taking off... the set of unruly boys who party every Friday night across the way and apparently enjoy having screaming contest. The doors that slam shut every ten minutes or so... the lady who calls her son in at 9pm every night by yelling his name from her window for about 20 minutes... the family that BBQ's every night on there patio... Oh the sweet life, where are the birds?

Goodbye Chica

Our little dog Chica left us, she got very sick... After many test and a couple days of IV treatment we ruled out cancer. Tony and I assumed it was cancer because she had a growth on her. Test showed that the growth was just fatty tissue and Xrays showed that there was an object got lodged in the area that the stomach empties. the doctor said it may have been metallic because of the Xrays... We believe now that it was aluminum foil she got into. We had the option to do surgery, the total for everything would have been 2300.00. After long discussions and many tears we decided to go ahead with the surgery. Had it been something like cancer I would have let her go... but I could not justify her dying over aluminum foil... I still can't... but the doctors said there might have been to much damage to her insides and was not sure she would pull through, apparently she as in a lot of pain and they were giving her morphine in her IV... knowing all this and having only a few hours to decide her fate was not easy.... but in the end we decided to let her go... she was about 12 years old. And all though very healthy and active... this took so much out of her.

it was hard to let her go when we had reserved ourselves to the surgery. I still can't come to terms with it... but I pray she is happy where ever she is and she's playing with Dobbie in Doggie heaven.

Until next time, old man!

Sometimes it takes a bit of embarrassment to kick start my health...

here is the story... once opon a time, long long ago (yesterday) I decided to check out my apartments fitness room, it had older equipment but still does the job well enough... I was stunned in how out of shape I became in just a few months. In October I was rocking the elliptical machine... 40 minutes about four times a week. Last night I managed ten minutes of pathetic, sweaty, gasping.

Since this was my first time there I was a bit self conscious about working out in there with a bunch of machismo studs and lycra clad bimbets! This old man walked in, he had to be in his seventies, pushing 80, I thought cool I can handle this, I won't look too pathetic, and hey now I'm the young bimbet. He took the machine right next to me, removed his outer shirt to show his biceps - which were surprisingly tone... as I gasped, sweated and fumbled to keep a respectable pass, this old man completely out did me, no gasping, no sweating... and I swear the man was laughing at me as he turned up the speed on his machine, I was secretly turning mine down, you know the old "check your pulse" move while hitting the "slower" button.

He was nice enough, carried on a conversation with me for a few minutes with not a hint of being winded... not to be out done I straightened up and ignored the fact that every word I said to this guy took away sweet oxygen from my lungs...

So I had to stop... and wouldn't you know this man... actually gave me a smirk of a smile and said "leaving so soon?" I should have whooped his butt! And I would have if I wasn't so afraid he'd win.

As I prepaired to leave he said with another smirk "see ya next time then" and I thought "that's right old man, it’s on!"

I now have the theme song of Rocky playing in my head... and visions of running up those damn steps in Philly to take on my opponent... an old man with a slight limp.

UPADTE: Since returning to the gym I have now realized... there two very different elliptical machines... one hard, one easy... I was out smarted!

Timing is everything

Everybody warned me that being a single mom is like a wirlwind especially with a child so young, and I understood, not in the sence of practice but I understood I'd have to pick up my pace and time out my routine accordingly... the better I get at it the more Quinn thrives. Since Tony was always the Morning man with Quinn, It's taking me some time to get used to since I was alawys out of the house before Quinn woke up... I am learning that I can't give him choices in the morning... it's get up and go... don't even turn on the TV or start playing.

Bed time I have covered... He goes to bed quietly and falls asleep on his own. Which is a something that Tony and I worked on for about a year in a half... bed time was never a walk in the park. I'm still amazed when I put him down, kiss his head and close the door... I stand at the door waiting for the wailing but there is none anymore... thank God.

what is taking me time to get used to is that as a couple with tony - I had some time, all though not much, on a daily basis to sit relax and play on the computer... there is no doing that now... so I am adjusting to life as a part time computer junky. Sometimes I don't tun on my computer for days... I figure on nights that tony is with quinn, I can catch up.

so far everything is OK, I still miss my cats and I miss Sadie, right now I think Tony is giving them more then I can. He's giving them a bit more leeway... where as I was always shielding them from Quinn... so maybe they are happier... but I still want my cats back :(

home is where you hang your hat?

What if you have no hat?

Well the move is complete... I haven't wanted to blog or even talk about it because it's been an emotional ride... Quinn is utterly confused and to tell the truth so am I.

At first it felt like I was visiting this place... and felt very homesick for the sounds of my dogs, cats, neighbors... I am starting to get use to being here but it's not home yet. I'm not sure it ever will be. Something feels incomplete. I mean it is apartment living... it's like I am starting all over again. From the first time you move from your parents house. but now I have this little person depending on me to make all the right choices and moves.

Quinn seems to like the place as a novelty. But when he gets cranky or tired he throws a new level of tantrums that I can only assume are "homesick" tantrums. And he's having a difficult time with leaving one parent to be with another. Which I guess is a hard thing for any broken family.

Lately I have been thinking how long would it take for me to save money for the deposit of a new home? which seems virtually impossible in the state of New Jersey! If I wasn't so ingrained in this state I'd leave in a heartbeat.

The apartment is a good first step, but I need a home. I want a home. privacy... the ability to have my dog and my cats... a back yard... I'll have to do a lot of savings for that, and look into some first time home buyer programs... even then I don't think I could afford the damn taxes around here.

Right now I just need to focus and make sure Quinn is ok and try to get him settled and happy and in the mean time I'll work on making and saving that money.

Ray... still wanna write children's books? I'll illustrate...hopefully... my creative ability seems to be shut down for repairs also. But I'll work on that.

Exploring Emotions

I am an emotional person, that is something I have accepted within myself. At first I thought it was a flaw within my character but lately I have learned that I prefer it... people that are steady, that always keep their composure, that seem to always have that calmness within them... well I wonder if they are missing out. I feel sadness at it's extreme but I also feel happiness at it's most extreme ... and I don't think I would want to change that, I am beginning to feel that its a blessing to be able to "feel".

Lately I have noticed that Quinn is picking up on this fact... the other day he heard me make a sound... I wasn't looking at him so he gently reached over and put his hand on my cheek and turned me to face him... at first I thought he was playing but when he turned my face to him so that he could look me in the eye....he searched my face... it took me a moment to realize he was looking for my emotion... we looked at each other for a few moments because I was confused as to what he was searching for... he looked at me with much older eyes then I had expected a two year old could have... he looked so concerned, so worried. When I realized he was looking for what emotion I was feeling, a tear, a smile, a grimace... I smiled at him... he paused for a moment and explored my smile... then he smiled back, satisfied with my emotion and turned back to what he was doing and acted like the two year old I know him to be.

Maybe I am an emotional mom, but I am so proud that Quinn is the type of child that can pick up on that and feel such concern. I will always try to hide any sadness I feel or fears I have but I know now that Quinn is an extremely perceptive child and maybe his concern is also a blessing with in his character.

It’s amazing what a small child can teach you when you most need it…

Moving

Next week I will be moving. Tony and I have talked about this for a long time, sometimes arguing other times heart to hearts. We've known for quite a while that we would one day separate but the question has always been what is the best timing for Quinn? We've had two age groups in mind 2 and 5 years old... two because we wanted him to be young when the separation happened so that it would hopefully just be a hazy memory if even that rather then a traumatic blow when he is old enough to fully understand. And five because we wanted to wait until we stopped paying daycare costs... Which is almost 700 to 800 a month!

My move day is next Friday... I seem to be consumed right now over this... with fear, excitement, nervousness, sorrow, worry... I can't concentrate at work and I can't sit still at home. I feel it is time to go but I keep thinking what if I should have waited until Quinn was Five. I'm not good at making decisions and I second guess myself all the time so until this move happens I am a reck! I either come home giddy or crying... it's crazy! Tony on the other hand is very calm... I can't tell where he is in all this but I am pretty sure that sometimes the thought makes him giddy and sometimes he wants to cry, I suppose all break-ups go this way. The sadness of change and the excitement of change.

I had the opportunity to move within a minute from my job... and that was a HUGE calling to me since I have been driving about two hours a day for four years... but that would have meant changing Quinn's daycare. I didn't realize how much that thought was eating at me until I started looking at other daycares, it just felt wrong... He is so confident at his daycare. He walks around like he owns the place, and he has made very important little relationships with his teachers and friends, "his crew". He thinks of that place as a second home and a second family. This is going to be a big change for him and I want something to stay the same, so no matter how confused he is with the move he will still be able to go to school and feel that calmness he gets from routine and familiar faces. So I back tracked and changed my move to "his" area... now I will live within two minutes from his daycare... and this will be a big plus for Tony too... it keeps his routine some what "normal" also, and gives him a lot more flexibility with his time with Quinn and odd work schedule.

My whole goal is to make this as painless as possible and with as little change as possible... knowing that Quinn will still have his routine and still be close to his daddy and mommy is a big relief to me and has erased so many of my stresses about this move... now my only real worry is budgeting correctly... I don't have a lot of room for error. I've become accustomed to having two incomes, this will be a kick in the ass.

Superbowl

I know nothing about football nor do I care, Tony on the other hand has an all to common facination with everything football. Which cracks me becuase when we first met he said "I'm not really into sports". That is a question I ask right off the bat. That and "are you a musician"

anywho as I was half asleep on the couch, through my half slits of eyes I see Quinn staring at the TV watching the game... I heard these words over and over AND OVER for each play...

"one two eeee DOOOOO ....... where da ball.... where da ball.... dare it isssss ..... utoh ..... are you ok?......"

Next play, repeat above. I have a feeling quinn will "not really be into sports" too.

I caught some of the commercials, the dancing lizards to Michael Jackson's Thriller was cute.

Fun with Popsicles

Quinn had a sore throat last night so we gave him a "mini" Popsicle... we spent a good 20 minutes trying to show him how to eat the Popsicle correctly for maximum juiceage flow in the mouth not on the floor. He loved the Popsicle so much that he called it "choc-ite" anything Quinn finds to be heavenly to his taste buds he calls chocolate. For the remainder of the night Tony and I cracked up at him trying to say "Popsicle" - Tony believes that Quinn is trying to tell jokes... some people can tell a joke with a straight face "a poker face" I'm not sure a two year old can do that... they tend to crack up laughing... but here were his two year old jokes.

me - "Quinn you're eating a Popsicle"

Quinn "choc-ikle?"

Me - "no Quinn a Poooooopsicle"

Quinn - "pop-cookie?"

Me - "POOOOPssssssiiiiicle"

Quinn - "pop-tickle?" (proceeds to tickle me)

Daddy - "it's a POP-sicle"

Quinn - "No Daddy, MY ikle!" (while clutching the pop cycle to his chest)

Book Club

In the past I have joked about joining a book club ... I kinda laughed it off as to silly or "normal" and maybe a bit boring. But the fact is I love to read and every once in a while a book hits me so hard that I find myself wanting to talk to everyone about it and in most cases no one has read it, and they're hearing my quick rambled version of a book you just have to read to get. By the time they get around to reading it my initial fascination has worn off... and I am enveloped in a new story and characters. This is frustrating!

My current fascination is "The kite runner" This story is now one of my all time favorites... some books you can finish the last page and something has changed in your perspective of life. I wouldn't say they are life changing but certainly life altering. Those books are rare and I am always caught off guard when it happens...

I think I will join a book club.

Conspiracy theory

I think my mother is conspiring against me... every holiday she gives me all the cookies, cakes and pies that are left over from our dinners and gifts. Every Thanks Giving.... Every Christmas.... Every Easter ..... and I always walk away thinking - "oh mom, she is so sweet, I love her so much... how kind of this lovely woman to hand over her cherished sweets and yummy goodness to her eldest daughter" Well this year I worked too damn hard to loose weight, this year I was on a proper plan, a great diet, a nutritious way of living and lost 20 whole pounds (as opposed to those pesky half pounds)!... three weeks after Christmas during my second layer of sugar sprinkled cookies, a box of chocolate covered pretzels, half a chocolate mouse pie... and seven pounds gained later, it dawns on me, the light switch in my head went on ... she is doing this on purpose! I am carrying her seven extra pounds, this is her extra butt... her extra muffin top! That sweet lovely woman made me fatter so she would not be! I'm on to you MOTHER... You'll have to find another sucker to shovel those delicious sweets into there mouths...

speaking of that ... there is half a pie left... that little bit can't really hurt can it? ;)

Christmas home light show

If this doesn't get you in the holiday spirit nothing will!